the good ol’ days.
Everyday, on the way to Oscar’s preschool, I pass a baby store. There are always sweet little jumpers hanging from tiny hangers in the front window. Every time, I always take a long glance and try to think of which of my friends I could buy a present for.
I realized today that, not once, in the past two years, have I ever thought I could purchase it for me or my baby.
This makes me really sad.
I remember when we first started trying for another baby. Hearing other people were pregnant was never a big deal, that would be us soon enough. Then there was a phase of frustration because it wasn’t working as easily the second time. Then more frustration when all the people who had babies AFTER I had Oscar started having their second. That was more painful. After awhile, the news of another “Baby on Board” slowly became tolerant and now I feel immune. Immune or desensitized?
I have to say and I truly mean this, I have always been happy for my pregnant friends, sisters and cousins. I can honestly say I have never compared myself to any of them. I suppose I only compare myself to acquaintances and strangers :) I remember reading that a girl I knew in college had recently had her second son. Her first was a year older than Oscar. Even though I never knew her situation, I liked to think we were in the same club. Until she had her second.
It kind of feels like a club. Unspoken, but still a club. I say “unspoken” because no one talks about it. Everyone, including myself, believed that if you have the first child successfully, the next one would NEVER be a problem. I cannot help but look at couples with one older child and wonder if they have gone through all the rounds of emotions we have.
I found these photos today. They were from our old house, when I was pregnant with Oscar. Wow, that was a crazy, fun time. I want, so badly, to imagine that for us again. I do, I do, I DO! But I mean it when I say I am TERRIFIED to imagine it. I am so scared that this won’t work. I feel my heart breaking just thinking about it. I can’t be too surprised that, after 3 years of negative pregnancies test, that I am a little guarded. I suppose it is the same reason I never allowed myself to think about buying one of those onesies in the baby store window.
I hope you don’t mind but I think I will chalk this up to a “feel sorry for myself day.”
love,
k