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knock on wood.


knock on wood…

Can I tell you a little secret?

It is not a terrible, dirty, little secret. Nothing juicy and intriguing here. Just something I hate to admit and am a little embarrassed by.

So why not share it with everyone?

Years (and years) ago, when I was a college student living in Roma, my friends and I gathered together on a few Sunday evenings and predicted how many children we would have . It was simple to figure out. It involved a ring, a necklace, your palm and a facilitator (someone who would hold the chain and ring over your palm). It went as follows:

  • You would hold your hand out and the “facilitator” would rub the chain along the side of your palm.

  • Based on whether the ring acted as a pendulum and moved back and forth or in circles, it predicted whether you would have a boy or girl.

  • You would continue to do this until the ring no longer moved. Hence the amount of children you would have.

Mine ALWAYS ended after one try.

Now, to be completely honest, it also ALWAYS told me I would have a girl too. You think I would stop there?

Nope.

Years later, I was in Spokane, Washington for work and we were asked to visit a fortune teller. Mind you, this was a fortune teller at a fair, not necessarily a reputable location. I had always been both curious and reluctant regarding psychics, but what harm could be done? She read my palm and the ONLY thing I remember is that she told me I would only have one child. I remember feeling devastated.

Both of these memories have always sat in the back of my mind and on rare occasions would resurface. Back in December, after years of not thinking about the palm reading, it hit me while out to dinner. I felt horrible. The funny thing is, I am not a superstitious person. I do not believe in predestination. Yet, here I am, unable to shake both these experiences and I worry.

Today is the eve of the Transfer. Since Thursday, the days have been both busy and relaxing and my mind has been filled with other things besides what is to come. Yet, this morning, as I was washing the dishes, I remembered the palm reading and my heart sank a little. But only for a moment. I then became aware of how at peace I feel. I finally feel like this is out of my hands and have surrendered to it. I also feel this strong sense of protection from all of you. It may sound ridiculous, but it feels like the biggest, warmest blanket wrapped around me and my little family. I am not really scared anymore.

Though the Tranfer is tomorrow, the doctor will call in the morning to confirm how many embryos continued growing after day 3. There is a very small chance that none survived (this will be the first and only time that thought will pass through my mind). If this journey doe not go as planned, I can honestly say I am not sure how we will move forward. I do know that time will tell and we might as well cross that bridge when we get to it. I must also tell you that the new medication I am on is giving me a run for my money. Water retention, bloating and fatigue, I ALREADY feel pregnant! I can’t help but laugh and ask myself, “What the hell are we thinking?”

So, tomorrow it is. 2:15 to be exact. We have scheduled an acupuncturist prior to the procedure to keep me nice and calm. The actual transfer will only be 20 minutes long and then I am to remain on bed rest until Thursday morning. I know ALL of you are jealous about that. Don’t lie, I can read your thoughts :)

*This photo is of a plastic coin I found in my grandpa’s kitchen drawer after he died. I was fourteen. I remember then being so curious as to why this Croatian, Catholic man had a “Good Luck” coin with Bruce Lee on it. I still often wonder. Oscar found this last week while rummaging through my own kitchen drawer. I just may need to take Bruce Lee (and my grandpa) along with me tomorrow.

Love,

k

 

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