pretty flowers, pretty flowers.

pretty flowers, pretty flowers, pretty flowers (what jen says when she isn’t feeling good)

I think I have found my happy place.

It was a bit tricky, and I wondered how long it was going to take, but I think I found it.

Since Tuesday, I have been looking for the “right” answer as to how to process this wealth of information I have been given. And by wealth, I mean that I much prefer the saying, “ignorance is bliss.” There must be an absolute, right answer as to how I deal with this. Aren’t there books out there? Can’t someone just tell me what to do or how to feel? It would make this waiting period a lot easier.

I can visualize all I want, but it feels like such a fine line between being positive and being realistic. There is a chance this may not happen and I immediately feel the walls of defense go up, trying to protect myself. The “what ifs” are constant and quite frankly, damn annoying. So I try, try, TRY not to go there.

But I think I found my happy place.

Today, while dropping off O at school, I ran into my friend, Chris. I explained to her about the Great Wall of Kara and she preceded to share a bit of wisdom with me. She began with a disclaimer that this was an entirely different scenario, but when I heard the story, I could only smile. She could not have been further from the truth.

When Chris was pregnant with her son, she worried and worried that she would have another miscarriage. When she shared this with her husband, Jeff, he told her that this baby was different. He said that this baby was not like the other and it did not deserve to be compared to her prior painful and disappointing experience. This baby has its own make up, its own circumstance and only deserves her most positive energy and not her pessimism over the past.

How many times have I sat and visualized mountains of negative pregnancy tests? How many times have I tried to hold back tears and tried to be strong? Far to many. This IS different! On so many levels, I realize that. I KNOW that.

So this is a happy place.

I have one more.

When Greg and I went into the Transfer, they allowed us to bring in our own music. Greg suggested a soundtrack of whales mating. He thought it would be soothing. I chose the next best thing, a song that Oscar and I sing to one another. Please listen to the words. I think it is pretty fitting.

“home is whenever I’m with you…”

~Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros