I am scared.
Like a ton of bricks, the weight of tomorrow is slowly becoming heavier and heavier.
And, I am scared.
I don’t know where to go with this other than to please think of me and my sweet, little family tomorrow.
I know you will.
I am so fortunate to have experienced this journey. I have learned so much about myself and have found a voice I otherwise would have pushed to the side. Admittedly, my fear comes in moments and the past week has flown by. Life tends to occupy my time and with work and Oscar, I have been busy. But it is in the few silent moments throughout the day that I think of Thursday, and anxiety creeps in. I feel the energy drain from my limbs and my stomach feels nauseous. It is like I am preparing for the worst and cannot help it. I am on a fast moving train that just keeps getting faster. Not knowing where it is going is terrifying.
Tomorrow morning, at 8:00, Greg will drop me off at the doctor’s office and will wait in the car with Oscar. I will go in, have my blood drawn and will leave. I will drop Greg off at work and take Oscar to school. I will have a conference call at 9:30 and a list of “to-do’s” to fill my time. At 12:30, I will pick up Oscar and we will stay busy until I get the phone call. Yes, I have to wait that long.
It is that wait that makes my heart race and my stomach turn. The exact feeling I predicted way back in my first post. I said it then, not fully aware of how right I would be. Much like the most annoying reality show, where the final two contestants wait to hear their fate.The camera pans to one, then the other, then one, then the other, then one, then the other. You want to strangle the host and yell, “JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN ANSWER!!” You get the idea. THIS, is how I imagine tomorrow will feel. Over a phone call and a result of “yes, you are pregnant,” or “no, I am sorry, you are not pregnant.”
So now I will work. In between projects, I will say a little prayer. I will ask that everything we have worked so hard for may come true and if not, that I have the strength to accept what is and move on. We all have those moments in our lives. It just happens to be, tomorrow is mine.
*photo was taken this weekend, when Oscar was playing on the computer and asked Greg and I to come over for a family picture.