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knock, knock.

I just wanted you to know that I am here.

I haven’t gone anywhere.

I just haven’t felt much like writing these days.

I have been surprised at the toll this has taken on me emotionally. I knew this would be difficult, but thought I would have a good cry for a few days and then be on my merry way (I have NO IDEA where I got that idea from). I have even caught myself answering the Trader Joes guy’s question, “How are you today?” by responding, “Oh, I ’m alright.” He did not know how to respond and I did not mean to throw him off. I was just being honest. Trying to be honest about my feelings since Thursday feels like the only thing I can do.

Here is the other truth. “How I am doing” could be answered a whole lot of ways. I am sad. I am numb. I am in denial. I am angry. I am frightened. I want to throw a few punches. I am hopeful and hopeless. I have no answers and probably never will and I am terrified that I have lost a piece of me somewhere. My spirit feels like it has gone into hiding.

Okay, wow, THAT is depressing!

If it makes you feel better, and I can say it makes me feel better, these feelings come in moments. Like this entire experience, my emotions move in waves and I have learned that I must acknowledge how I feel. Since Thursday, I have also had more laughs and smiles than I can count and maybe the saddness just makes me appreciate the goodness that much more.

I am sad.

But I must also find a way to move forward.

Easier said than done, I suppose, but do-able. I want to have another baby and the highest probable procedure did not work. It is REALLY hard to get passed that. One reconciliation is that some consider the first IVF treatment a “trial run.” It gives the doctors an opportunity to see how my body responded the first time. Of course, everything else feels in limbo because we have yet to talk to the doctor. All our “what ifs” can’t be answered until the 4th.

So keep thinking of us and saying some prayers. We will take them all! This experience can be lonely, even with lots of people around. All your notes of support make that loneliness feel a little easier to deal with. This WILL get better. I know it.

The hardest part of all of this is trying to move forward, happily. I have to find that hope again. It feels a little lost, like the lights have gone off and I am searching, blindly, with my hands, to try to locate it. I KNOW it is there, I just need to be patient.



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