well hello there
I have been on hiatus.
It started a few thousand miles from here.
Warmth.
Sun.
Family.
Exactly what I needed.
I feel much better now.
Not a 180 degree difference. I am not raising my arms up to the heavens and screaming, “Hallelujah, I am healed!” Nope. I just feel better. WAY better since that post way back in April
I needed time away, to take my mind off of “things.” By things, I don’t just mean the stack of no-go pregnancy tests. I simply just needed to get away, like everyone of us needs from time to time. Of course, I returned to bills and emails and a suitcase that needed to be emptied, but I appreciate my home more, my space, my own bed. I feel content.
Being with my family was nothing short of necessary. We laughed and argued. Ate key lime pie and let the boys run endless circles around the beach. We did what we do every year. We just live in the moment and in that moment, we are together. Of course, we talk a lot too. So there is so surprise when I say the topic of “to do another IVF or not” came up frequently. Interestingly enough, while on this vacation, I found myself so indifferent it nearly scared me. Did I not want this bad enough? Why do I feel nothing? When asked anything about IVF, I heard the usual responses spill out of my mouth and I began to feel like an automated recording. Push play. She will speak, the same thing, over and over and over and over and over…
This feeling went on for awhile. That was, until last Saturday. I went for a run and as I turned the corner to head back to the house, I passed a parked car with a woman and two children in the back seat. I heard music and singing. Like a film reel sparked to life in a dark theater, I suddenly pictured a baby in the backseat of my car. Crying. Then I pictured Oscar and I singing. Loudly. Loudly and laughing. Singing to try to calm “her.” Singing the way I would sing to him when he was a baby. Though this time, we were a team and I would catch glimpses of my teammate in the rearview mirror. It was to be first time I had ever really visualized a baby in this family of ours.
I found this to be a little amazing.
Why was I never able to do that before?
Oddly enough, at a time I should feel most guarded, suddenly it felt most clear.
Of course, in that clarity, I feel a bit anxious, like I just want to know if this will happen. This unknown thing may drive me crazy. It is amplified that much more by my job. Suddenly, we are getting several inquiries for weddings in August 2013. What am I suppose to do? Where will my life be?
Can’t I just grab that glass ball and take a peek? Pretty please?
My dear friends, Teasha and Ali, joined me for wine the other night. Ali was accompanied by her sweet baby girl of two months, Zannah. As Ali got out of her car, a quiet exhaustion spread across her face and Zannah sat crying in her car seat. Ali, nearly defeated, looked at us and explained that Zannah had been crying all day, only wanted her and had not slept. Ready to get back in the car, we encouraged her to stay, for at least a glass of wine. We assured her that we wouldn’t mind holding a crying baby.
We sat and talked for awhile, Zannah calm at moments, restless the next. In one of those calm moments, Teasha began to hold her, but that sweet baby girl started to cry again and she found her way back into her mother’s arms. Ali’s break was over. Then, another moment to hold her presented itself. Ali, after changing Zannah on the floor, walked in to the kitchen and Z began to cry. I couldn’t help but pick her up. She fussed, then quietly settled and drifted off in to my arms. The remainder of the evening, Ali could drink her wine.
I only tell you this because I think it is kind of funny. OF COURSE, the girl who has trouble having kids is the one who can help calm them and put them to sleep. There was so much irony in that, I found myself laughing at the end of the evening. I catch myself smiling at it now. Depending on how I feel tomorrow, it may make me cry. No matter how I look at it, I am slowly starting to feel things. Not the indifference that I felt while I was away. I am beginning to want this again.
So, I am no longer on hiatus. Well, at least for the next couple of weeks. I will again be with my family in mid June, taking the annual trek back to Michigan so Oscar can spend quality time with his family. In the meantime, I’ll start posting again. It is is nice to be back and I have missed this connection. As for an update on a second round of IVF, we will wait until mid July, once we return from Michigan. The doctor will have me on a new drug that requires one shot per month for 3 months prior to the IVF cycle. This will require a bit of planning, since I don’t want to go through too much during the wedding season. If we do move forward, we think IVF would take place again in the fall. Needless to say, I still have some writing left in me.
love,
k
ove,
k