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abra-ca-da-bra

Damn.

  • It has been one of those days again.

  • I know how grateful I should be for everything in my life, including the not-so-fun stuff. Unfortunately, Tunnel Vision reintroduced itself this morning over coffee and the only thing I can seem to focus on is what I don’t have.

As I have said before, I realize this is not the approach I should be taking. I am well aware of that. Positive energy attracts more positive energy. I am strong. I will overcome. All those mantras pinned to the bulletin board. All those reminders.

Yet, I feel frustrated. A little lonely. Most of all, I feel sad.

I found out my dear friend’s sister is pregnant. I knew they had been trying for some time and it was even I who asked if she was pregnant yet. I knew it would happen sooner or later but when the answer was finally “yes,” I felt like, once again, I was alone.

Not that I want a “infertility buddy.” I don’t wish this on any woman. I just feel tired of being the one friend/sister who cannot get pregnant. I am the person they are careful to keep their emotions in check when making a pregnancy announcement or talking all things baby. I am the one who has to pretend everything is all right when sometimes, it is not. I am the one no one can relate to.

Now, I am not asking for a perfect life. That would be boring. Most days, I am able to look at this as if I am a very lucky girl. I see it as if I have something very few others whom I know have. More often than not, I embrace it. Of the four of us, my sisters always say I want to the the “different” one. If nothing else, it has taught me a whole hell of a lot. That is for sure. I just want it to teach me and then to give me what I want. It that wrong?

Deep down inside, I do believe life is magical. It sounds almost disgustingly cliche, but I have seen it with my own eyes. It is the reminder I give to my friends and family when their lives just aren’t going as planned. It is also the one thing that I always follow up by saying, “Now if I could just take my own advice.”

love,

k

 

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