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i wish.

i wish i still had my Wonder Woman under roos…

I woke up at 2:30 this morning.

Yesterday, it was 2:45 am. Sunday was no different.

As for tomorrow, I would be excited to sleep until 4:00am.

I am waking up naturally. I roll over and look at the clock and grumble when I see the time. But it is not a problem of hot flashes or bad dreams. I just find myself awake. When I try to coax myself back to sleep, I find myself not only awake but awake AND thinking. Dangerous. I begin to play scenarios in my head. I think of bills that need to be paid, work that needs to be done and bags that need to be packed for our trip to Michigan next week. Of course, at 2:30 in the morning, the most ridiculous and meaningless thoughts become the most pressing issues and I am left to wonder

“What if a burglar breaks in and steals all of our silverware?” WHAT THEN?!!!

In those early mornings, I have thought about this coming Thursday, but not nearly as much as you would imagine. I think I am suppressing it, knowing that when the time comes, I will deal with it then. This entire month has been far easier than the previous cycle in March because this time, I have known what to expect. The only difference that I can’t seem to shake is the message Megan, our IVF coordinator, left on the voicemail saying, “I am so sorry to leave a message, Kara, but you are not pregnant.” This I can’t seem to let go. Now you can see why I wish I was Wonder Woman, if only temporarily.

With the lack of sleep, the looming blood test, a trip to Michigan and this dark, gloomy weather, today was a little more difficult for me. I began to feel very overwhelmed and stressed. I became more stressed when I reminded myself that I am not suppose to BE stressed. The vicious cycle continued and I felt like I was spinning in its circle, faster and faster. The worst part of this is that I am not allowed to workout. The one way that best helps me decompress is the one thing I have to refrain from and after a week, I think it has finally caught up with me. This alone, is one reason I will be thankful when Thursday is here.

But really, it has been a great week. I promise.

I especially want to thank you all for your sweet messages and cheers. Many of you have asked how I have been feeling. Since last Tuesday, I was sure to really take care of myself. I was on bed rest until Thursday and on that day, slept most of it while Oscar was in school. On Friday, I had an acupuncture session to help with implantation. I have felt subtle cramping, nausea and moments of feeling like my heart is racing. I say “subtle” because I can’t help but wonder if it is all in my head. As for today, I have felt as normal as can be. Life is a roller coaster, right?

I recently received a Christmas card in the mail from my dear friend, Diane. On the card was a pile of 4 sets of little feet and 2 sets of adults, covered in sand and a strand of Christmas lights woven in and out and over.

On the card it read,

“The Lord replied ‘When you saw only one set of footprints in the sand, it was then that I carried you.’ ”

Then, on a sticky note, Diane wrote,

“He has been carrying you two for quite some time. Next week, ask him to put you back down…You’re ready!”

You’re right, Docta, I am.

k

 

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