ahhh, another year older
On January 21, I turned 36.
I don’t think that is old, but tell that to my 15 year old self back in the day.
36 was nearly at the top of the hill and in few years, I would be making my way back down.
I don’t see things that way anymore. They say you are as old as you feel and if that is the case, then I have lots of years left. However, lately it seems like each direction I turn, I am given subtle indicators that I am gettin’ up there in age. According to the medical community, now that I am going to have a baby at 36, I am higher risk and need to be given THE pamphlet. You may have heard of it, “Wow, you aren’t your most fertile anymore and you are still having a baby. RISK, RISK and more RISK!!” I know there is risk involved when having a baby, especially past a certain age (not to mention, twins), but sometimes ignorance is bliss.
Of course, in some ways, it is true. My friends have always told me, while pregnant with their second or third baby, that their body handled it a lot differently that their first. As they got older, it got a little harder. On Thursday, I went for a normal 3 mile run and based on how I was feeling, it was as if I had never run before and was trying to complete an 8 miler. It was brutal, exhausting and I welcomed every text that I got so I could take a moment to respond, because it was “that urgent.” I don’t remember feeling that way with Oscar and despite the fact that there are two, it doesn’t sit that easily with me. I am competitive with myself and this is all very humbling. I find I have to remind myself constantly what this is all for.
And of course I have to remind myself because I don’t really feel pregnant. Overall, I have felt pretty good. Yes, I have had slight nausea here and there but in general I would rate my first trimester as mild. I feel lucky. Though my belly is growing, it hasn’t just “popped” out like a basketball as I had hoped. As they say on the pregnancy websites, “Your waist will thicken.” Fantastic. So instead of pregnant, I feel a little chunkier.
Ah, but I feel young at heart, HELL, I still feel young! Thirty-six has started out just fine. Well, except the other day when I attended a local Portland designer/boutique sale and I saw a beautiful Mila Kunis look-alike trying on a similar dress like the one I purchased a year ago at the same sale by the same designer. I mentioned to her that I had purchased the dress she had on and that I get compliments on it ALL the time. Moments later, I noticed it was back on the rack and she had moved on. I suppose this young, hip, early twenty-something didn’t want to look like the old lady. Too bad for her, I grabbed the dress off the rack and purchased it at 70% off. Silly girl, I guess you do get wiser with age ;)
Overall, things are going well. I had an ultrasound a week ago with my new OB and she said the babies looked great. I have my next appointment at the end of February, along with an ultrasound. In case you are curious, I won’t find out the sex of the babies until mid-March. This morning, Oscar suggested that, if we have a girl, we should name her “Maple.”
I am beginning to see signs of a larger belly. I think, from here on out, it will be growing exponentially and I am trying to work with every piece of clothing I have to avoid having to buy too much. Luckily, I wear some fairly loose fitting dresses. We are also working on the house to determine the best way to accommodate these new additions. This spring is going to get pretty busy.
It all feels crazy, this baby thing. There are days when I have a really hard time wrapping my mind around it. I am a little scared. Sometimes, a lot scared. So much is unknown and lately the hormones seem to perpetuate the fear. How will I still work at a job I love? How will I watch two babies and a six year old by myself? How can I possibly get a double Bob stroller thru the doors when I have to pick up Oscar at school? How, how, HOW??
How can I love more children when Oscar has all the love I have?
Since I was little, my mom always told me one thing, “Kara, after you have had your first, you think to yourself, ‘How could I ever love another as much?’ Somehow, you do” Funny that I have always remembered that conversation. I suppose it is finally my turn to find out.
Now if only I could figure out how that stroller will fit thru the door.
Love to you all,
k