May just came knocking at my door.
I seemed to have lost April and March along the way.
I SWEAR I told them to move slowly but, with a blink of an eye, I turned around and they were gone.
Since when did I develop super human powers that enable me to speed up time and space? I feel like the “to-do” list of my life is like tunnel vision. I have a clear focus and yet find myself alienated from friends and family who fill me with great conversation and company. Time has a strange way of flying.
“Oh, it is life,” you say?
“Ugh,” I respond. “I suppose it is.”
So I find myself, a month after writing you the last time, FINALLY updating you on this little life of mine. Lately, much of my energy feels zapped and all that emotion that has been pulsing in my veins for the past month feels like it has finally subsided… a little. I feel a little numb from time to time and happy the times in between.
I will keep it simple and straight forward.
I am well.
Sure, it has been no easy feat and, as you know by now, I don’t pretend it is. I have cried… a lot. I still do. I have cried for my baby boy. I have cried for my family. I have cried for the life I thought I would have. Uncomfortable to admit, I have found a part of myself filled with a sense of relief knowing I can now dedicate my sleepless nights and soon-to-be exhausted self to one child instead of two. Maybe life would be easier, and for that, sometimes the guilt weighs heavily.
But I think of him always, our sweet baby boy. Our Luca Jonathan. I realize more than ever how much I have loved being the mom to a boy and how much I cherished having that again. I have been surprised by the love I have for him without ever knowing him. Oh, and I am SO thankful for him! He has reminded me that life is magical and that I am blessed. I think of him as my guardian angel, OUR guardian angel. We now have a special little spirit holding us close and I cannot think of a more amazing gift to come from this pain and to give to our children. He has taught me an invaluable lesson about life and for that, I must honor him and what he has given me.
As for you all, you are next in line for the most amazing teachers I could ever ask for. It is all of you, whose notes and messages, flowers and cards, hugs and concerns, who have brought the most tears to my eyes. I barely find time to put butter on my toast in the morning and yet you have taken moments out of your busy lives to think of us and to extend your love. I cannot help but feel I have the most amazing security blanket and even as I write this, tears fall, thinking of the warmth and embrace so many of you have wrapped around me and my family. It overwhelms me and, just when I think my heart cannot hold anymore, it does. I am left speechless.
I am in a good place now. I hold my boy as close to me as I can but am focused on loving this little girl and preparing this new life with her. Oscar sings to her every day, though I am not particularly keen on Gangham Style. I look forward to moments of rest, when I am laying down and she begins to kick. She just keeps reminding me that she is here.
As for updates, my doctor, Dr. Jenna Murray, is AMAZING! She makes room for me every week to come in and see her and every week I go in, things are well. Today, April 30, I go back to the Maternal Fetal Medicine Office for the next ultrasound. I would be lying if I told you I had no concerns at all. The last time I was there, my world had suddenly became a whole lot heavier. I imagine a part of me will walk through the door tomorrow morning and want to turn right back around and run. That is the part when you tell me to “breath.” That, I will try to do.
You know what I have noticed about myself since this has all happened? I cry tears of joy a whole lot more. Thanks to you all. Thanks to Oscar Joe. Thanks to Greg. Thanks to all these simple, beautiful things in life that I sometimes look past while I am in the midst of “getting things done” and checked off of my “to-do” list. They suddenly all take my breath away and for that I am so incredibly grateful.
p.s.- The heart-shaped walnut shell was found walking home from school the day-after our last ultrasound. I glanced down to found this most perfect shaped heart and cannot help but feel it is a sign.
p.s.s.- My belly is getting bigger!
So much love to you all,