found.


found.

May just came knocking at my door.

I seemed to have lost April and March along the way.

I SWEAR I told them to move slowly but, with a blink of an eye, I turned around and they were gone.

Since when did I develop super human powers that enable me to speed up time and space? I feel like the “to-do” list of my life is like tunnel vision. I have a clear focus and yet find myself alienated from friends and family who fill me with great conversation and company. Time has a strange way of flying.

“Oh, it is life,” you say?

“Ugh,” I respond. “I suppose it is.”

So I find myself, a month after writing you the last time, FINALLY updating you on this little life of mine. Lately, much of my energy feels zapped and all that emotion that has been pulsing in my veins for the past month feels like it has finally subsided… a little. I feel a little numb from time to time and happy the times in between.

I will keep it simple and straight forward.

I am well.

Thank you.

Sure, it has been no easy feat and, as you know by now, I don’t pretend it is. I have cried… a lot. I still do. I have cried for my baby boy. I have cried for my family. I have cried for the life I thought I would have. Uncomfortable to admit, I have found a part of myself filled with a sense of relief knowing I can now dedicate my sleepless nights and soon-to-be exhausted self to one child instead of two. Maybe life would be easier, and for that, sometimes the guilt weighs heavily.

But I think of him always, our sweet baby boy. Our Luca Jonathan. I realize more than ever how much I have loved being the mom to a boy and how much I cherished having that again. I have been surprised by the love I have for him without ever knowing him. Oh, and I am SO thankful for him! He has reminded me that life is magical and that I am blessed. I think of him as my guardian angel, OUR guardian angel. We now have a special little spirit holding us close and I cannot think of a more amazing gift to come from this pain and to give to our children. He has taught me an invaluable lesson about life and for that, I must honor him and what he has given me.

As for you all, you are next in line for the most amazing teachers I could ever ask for. It is all of you, whose notes and messages, flowers and cards, hugs and concerns, who have brought the most tears to my eyes. I barely find time to put butter on my toast in the morning and yet you have taken moments out of your busy lives to think of us and to extend your love. I cannot help but feel I have the most amazing security blanket and even as I write this, tears fall, thinking of the warmth and embrace so many of you have wrapped around me and my family. It overwhelms me and, just when I think my heart cannot hold anymore, it does. I am left speechless.