I am exhausted. More emotionally than from lack of sleep. Just when you think the roller coaster has slowed down and you have conquered the fear of that last big hill, suddenly you are moving upward again, your heart in your stomach and you know, just KNOW, this hill is gonna be a doozy. The fear comes from hoping your seatbelt is buckled and that you can take on that downhill with something there to keep you from falling out. This makes me tired. Ulla's seizure on Monday morning left us feeling lost again. I won't lie, I uttered the words I vowed never to ask,"why" with a giant question mark on the end. We were told that, from the MRI and EEG that there were areas of brain damage likely caused from lack of oxygen during her surgery. What this means for her future is completely unknown as she is a newborn and only time (and those monumental milestones) will tell. Monday was terrible and once again, another day filled with tears. But then there is the next day. The day when you have allowed it all to sink in. The day when you learn quickly that you can either ponder the worse case scenarios until you are paralyzed with fear or that you let then pass over you, like a storm cloud, until the darkness dissipates into the blue skies hiding behind them. Because here we are. Here we are with these children whom we so desperately wanted and this girl who needs us and quite frankly, a family who needs her. Simply put, there is no way around that. So Tuesday, there was hope without the worse case scenarios and we made goals. Goals to get the vent out, to try to hold her and to see if feeding her would be in the near future. As of today, all those goals have come true and, though her heart has taken one for the team, it is doing amazingly well. Just another goal to check off our list.
To all of you, ALL of you, thank you. For now, I have realized I can't get back to you all individually to share our gratitude as the sheer number of people who have been praying for us is so amazing and humbling. So please know how grateful we are. Much love to you all ~ Kara