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coming home

Everyday, several times a day, I am asked how things are going now that both babies are home. I am not sure if anyone really believes me when I say it is going great as there is no hiding the exhaustion in my face. But it is exhaustion, it was to be expected and besides, the middle of the night feedings are probably the only time Greg and I can have a conversation. One holds the boy and the other has the girl and sometimes, we actually are awake enough to discuss the previous day. Who knew? And I have "forgotten" about Ulla's condition. Maybe because she appears more alert and feels like she is making progress in her weight gain (she finally hit 5lbs last week)! I still hold her like she is porcelain and could break but I am reminded of how tough and resilient she is and know that holding her at 7lbs will feel much different. So I will be patient. But in the meantime, we have doctors' appointments filling our calendar and today, we are in the hospital having a follow up EEG. Once again, her head is dotted with wires and electrodes and wrapped with gauze. We will wait for an hour's worth of readings and will watch as the EEG tech looks at the screen periodically, meanwhile wondering if he is seeing any seizure activity or not. He won't tell us, we will have to wait for the phone call. This makes me nervous. This makes it feel real again. But this girl, she gets to lay in my arms this time around and I can feel her peacefulness and it calms me. I marvel at her. It is like she knows exactly what it is she needs to do and I love her even more for that.

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