My oldest. We had 6 years with him and only him before Ophelia was born. During that time, I often wondered if he would be our only child. I would find myself studying and watching him so as never to forget the way he slept, the funny things he would say, the way he would wrap his little arms around me. Me. He wanted to be with me.
Today, I look at him and wonder if he remembers how much I loved him then and how much I adore him now. Life with new babies is challenging and trying to find time for anything, let alone each child, can feel excruciating. Oh, and our boy is testing out his independence. Like a fast car he is not prepared to drive, taking the turns much too quickly. This leaves me feeling like I am doing this mothering thing all wrong. During those moments, it becomes my stubbornness vs his stubbornness. I don't know when to let go and I don't know when to hold more tightly. I feel I am constantly fighting the wrong battles. But yesterday, after the stubborn battle ensued, threats firing left and right about taking away electronics, we FINALLY got out of the house and made our way to school. As we walked, we talked about Minecraft. We were good. Sometimes, it is necessary to be hard on yourself but often times, with parenting, you have to be forgiving because this S#*t is not easy. Later, I would get this text from my friend Darcy: "I just got back from volunteering at school. I was walking to Kieran's classroom and Oscar came out of the bathroom ahead of me. He didn't see me. He was bouncing down the hallway, jumped up and did a little heel tap. It was awesome!" Maybe I didn't scar him. Maybe, just maybe, he will turn out just fine.